Pain…Something that we all feel at some point in our lives. Could be physical and it could be emotional. In my opinion the emotional pain is by far the worst kind of pain. When one of the teen girls that I mentor come to me with a broken heart from a boy I always tell them, “I would rather have every bone in my body broken, than a broken heart”.

I believe there are even different levels of emotional pain. I remember when I was single and one of the guys would either not like me back or break up with me, I couldn’t even eat. The pain was so deep that it consumed me.  Like I’ve talked about in a previous post, Jason broke up with me after we had already started talking marriage. I remember that I couldn’t get out of bed for about 3 days. I lost weight. I couldn’t work. I was a mess. The pain was so deep.

I have been processing the pain of saying good bye to our foster daughter after having her for the first 2 years of her life. It’s been 4 months since she was last in our home and the pain is still there. Some nights the pain hurts so bad that it is difficult to breathe. A few months ago I went to our church’s women’s retreat up in the mountains. On the drive there my amazing friend, Courtney, said something that has stuck with me and has been repeating in my mind ever since.

“Jesus is not an epidural, He’s a midwife. He doesn’t want to numb the pain, He wants to deliver us from it.”

For the thousandth time I thought to myself, how do people process pain without Jesus. He is my hope. He is my strength. He is my joy. He is my song. Even though I love Jesus with my whole heart and serve Him the best I know how to, I gained 30 pounds from when we picked up Molly from the hospital until the end of last year. (2 years and 3 months) Food is what I would go to when there was a bad visit, a hard court hearing, and when I finally had to say good bye to her. Food and shopping got my devotion which has left me thicker than I’d like to be and poorer than I’d like to be 🙂 I wanted tangible. I wanted to numb the pain because it hurt too bad to feel. What I found is the numbing wore off a whole lot quicker than I had hoped.

When I went to Jesus, His compassionate arms held me, but didn’t numb the pain, so then I would pour a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. What I have learned in the recent weeks is that Jesus loves me too much to numb the pain. He wants me to process it, feel it, and release it. His healing comes when we do this process. I still miss Mo a lot, but I have never had so much joy or peace in my life than I do today.

It has only been 24 days since making some radical changes in my eating and shopping, but I finally feel like I am thriving and not just surviving. Going to Jesus instead of bread and Amazon has been so rewarding. I am sleeping better. God’s peace fills me. I am more available to my boys and my husband. But most importantly, the intimacy with the Holy Spirit is at a whole new level. My awareness of His presence carries through to all my relationships, including my relationship with my self. Showing myself grace, forgiveness, and love at a whole new level.

Does pain feel good. Oh heck no! But, I do not regret it. I wouldn’t change it for ANYTHING! As I have learned to allow the spirit to be my midwife, I have learned the power of being delivered from pain and not numbing it until it sneaks up again.

How are you doing? How is your heart? How is your mind? Are you allowing Jesus to be your midwife?

I can promise you that the Vodka, the Oxycontin, the pot, the shopping, the eating, the sex, the porn, or the self harm will not EVER deliver you from the pain. It may numb it, but the pain will always come back. Then you have the pain and the regret from how you tried to numb the pain. It isn’t easy, but if you can sit in the pain, feel it, process it, and allow Jesus to hold you and comfort you, the healing will come. God is the God of miracles. He is in the business of restoration, redemption, and making beautiful things out of dust.

You are brave. You are courageous. You have everything you need in Him, whose power resides in you, to be free of your pain. As you find freedom from your pain, you will also find that the goodness of God expands your territory for ministry. Through your healing and freedom, you will be used to help others experience healing and freedom from their pain! #worthit

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.

Romans 8:28

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 11:33-36

33 Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and[a] knowledge of God!
    How unsearchable his judgments,
    and his paths beyond tracing out!
34 “Who has known the mind of the Lord?
    Or who has been his counselor?”[b]
35 “Who has ever given to God,
    that God should repay them?”[c]
36 For from him and through him and for him are all things.
    To him be the glory forever! Amen.

John 13:7

“Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”


Juice Cleanse Recap

Okay, FOR REALS, the absolute best way to start my 2018 was with the juice cleanse that I did with my dad and sister. We did 3 juices a day filled with Kale, Spinach, Ginger Root, Lemon, Cucumber, Broccoli, Celery, apples, and oranges. I cannot deal with the texture of the juice, so I added frozen mangos and pineapples to mine. SO GOOD! A few of the days I would go to our local fresh juice spot and buy one so it still felt special 🙂

2017 was by far the most unhealthy year of my life. My eating habits along with being so sedentary left me with nasty vertigo, HORRIBLE heart burn, and bloating. In addition, I had a foggy brain along with being extremely sluggish and tired all day. All of that was  just physical side effects, emotionally, I felt a lack of self respect and pride because I was not taking care of myself.

My wake up call came to me the last week of December. I was lying in bed and all of the sudden I had, “Mayday, Mayday, Mayday”, screaming in my head. I then saw myself in a hospital bed. It was as though I saw a picture of where I was headed if I didn’t take control of my health.

I immediately sent out a group text to my family seeing if anyone wanted to start the year with a 5 day juice cleanse and my dad and sisters jumped on board. So we decided, January 2-6, we would detox with juice and then for the next 5 months have a weekly weigh in so that we would have accountability with eating healthier this year. One of my sisters and I decided that if we lost 40 lbs. by June 2nd, we would go on a shopping trip.

So, with accountability and motivation in place, I was ready to kick 2018 in the teeth!

I sit here on the 10th feeling better than I have felt in years! More energy, hydrated skin, clarity of mind, no bloating, no heart burn, and no vertigo. In addition I have not had a head ache in about a week which is a huge statement because of how frequently I used to get them.  The motivation for me to eat healthy is not in numbers on a scale, but how good I feel. For now, I am juicing still 1-2 meals a day and then eating a healthy protein the other meal. I just discovered the Instant Pot and my life is forever changed. The other evening I was running late but needed to eat dinner. I threw in a piece of frozen salmon with water, lemon juice, and some salt and pepper. Within 15 minutes I was eating a piece of flaky and delicious salmon! I am all about convenience, so now I can have healthy food conveniently! Such a game changer! In addition to eating healthier, I have started the Made To Crave Devotional. Every morning I read an entry and it really helps set the pace for the day.

S0, there you have it! I hope that you can be encouraged and inspired! If I can do it, ANYONE can do it! We have one body, it is so important to take care of it.

Always remember, Accountability is essential! Round your peeps and cheer each other on! Make 2018 your healthiest!