Silence is killing my brothers and sisters of color. I can’t stay silent anymore. For 38 years I would pride myself on the fact that I didn’t think that I was racist and that I was “color blind”. As a matter of fact I wrote a persuasive paper my senior year of high school as to why I believed black people were better than white people. In my teenage years, I would always talk about how I wanted to marry someone black so that I could have black kids. I would get so mad at the “racist people”… As a white woman, with a majority of white friends, it wasn’t until my eyes were opened 2 years ago the importance of seeing color. Being “color blind” means that you don’t see and acknowledge all of the beauty of God’s creation. You don’t see all of the hurts, isolations, prejudices, gifts, callings, and stories. Our colors are formational in making us who we are as individuals. Being “color blind” is a disservice to our brothers and sisters of color. 

Through our infertility journey, my husband and I became parents through the adoption of two beautiful black sons. They not only made me a mom, but they helped open my eyes to the world they come from and the world they will continue to live in, UNTIL WE SPEAK UP. 

This week we received news that a brother of color can’t even go for a jog without being killed. If the tables were turned and it was a white man running that was killed by black men, they would have been arrested with horrible sentencing faster than a video could go viral. THIS IS NOT OKAY. 

One of my sons suffers from what will be a life long struggle with an impulse disorder. The reality of what his life will look like differs greatly from the reality of what a white boy with the same struggle will experience with a greater degree of stigma, difficulty, misunderstanding, and even risk to his own life.  THIS IS NOT OKAY.

I think what breaks my heart most is how silent my fellow white brothers and sisters are. We are blinded by our white world filled with our white privilege. I understand that some of us may not really understand that modern day slavery, lynching, and discrimination still happens today, so we don’t feel the magnitude. We don’t live through the stares, the judgement, the comments, the isolation, the prejudices, or the disrespect. So, if you are one of my white brothers and sisters, I want to encourage you to educate yourselves. Read the books, watch the documentaries, and most importantly expand your circles. Our circle of friends should look like heaven. We should sit in rooms where we see all shades and backgrounds. 

Let us love all. Let us fight for each other and our well-beings. Let us be like Jesus.

I commit to you to do what I can to be an atmosphere shifter. I will be running with Jason for Ahmaud tomorrow to raise awareness and honor him on what would have been his birthday. I have signed the petition. I am doing what I know to make an impact.

If you haven’t heard about the most recent horrific murder, do so here.

Hi!

Happy New Year! Happy New Decade!  In my mind the new year didn’t start until the 2nd. On the 1st we were still in holiday mode in my household. BUT, as soon as the 2nd hit, it was time to tackle the year with the best possible habits and practices!

I knew going into the year that I would be participating in our church’s 21 day fast that started on the 5th. I felt the best thing to give up would be spending money on anything that is not a “need”, so no coffees, eating out, or impulsive Amazon purchases. It is much harder than I anticipated. I never realized the reality of how much I really self-soothed with spending money. I’m thankful to be enlightened so that I am aware of it moving forward. This fast isn’t just a 21 day thing for me, I want every aspect of my life to be completely consecrated to God everyday of every year. So, now that I know how much I’m going to spending more than seeking my Abba, I know where I want to rest. Not in my wallet, but in His arms 🙂

I also knew after all of December’s parties that I would be kicking off the year with the Whole 30. I have done this before and I never felt better in my entire life. Because I have PCOS dietary restrictions are imperative to reverse it. Self care is so important and after reading Rhythms of Renewal in November/December I knew even more the importance of loving my body means I have to say no to food that makes my body sad. I want to not just survive in life, I want to thrive. That book rocked my world and spells out what that looks like. So clean eating it is!

In a couple months I will be celebrating turning 40. I intentionally typed celebrating because I usually mourn birthdays. Not this year. I am embracing it. It is a gift to have breath. It is a gift to wake up healthy surrounded by such amazing people. There is nothing to mourn, except my misplaced hairs, slow moving joints, and grey hairs. Those things are kind of sad to me. 🙂 I decided the ultimate celebration of this new decade is to kick it off with a half marathon. So, on May 3 in Newport Beach I will be running in the OC half marathon. To be honest I’m dreading the training. Long runs aren’t super fun, but I am spicing up my playlist so that should help! This also was spurred on by Rhythms of Renewal because it falls under the “Restore” rhythm, so that works out for me! 🙂

Another rhythm that I am very weak in is the rhythm of “create” so I am going to attempt to blog more, write and film messages that I write, and play with Legos 🙂 Don’t mock it until you try it, Legos are so therapeutic! So, 2020 will be full of tapping into creating in different forms.

Finally, I am going to be intentionally pursuing community with like-minded women. Meeting regularly to laugh, pray, and just spur each other on to live out our callings of consecration!

I have a feeling about 2020 and I can’t contain my excitement! I don’t know what my insides are communicating to me, but I don’t have to know. I know that as long as I continue to spend intentional time with Jesus daily, eat clean, work out, and play Legos I will be the best possible version of myself. My whole self will tackle 2020 and have the best year of my life and I cannot wait!

What does this year look like to you? What are you choosing to implement to be the best year yet? If you would like to read Rebekah’s book, that helped me so much! There is even a quiz to show you which rhythms are your weakest so that you know where to focus to operate as your healthiest version! I highly recommend it!

I think that’s it for now! Im off to therapy! 🙂

As I was driving to Modesto on Sunday evening for a week of training for real estate, I saw a giant bill board that said “Overcome Infertility” with a picture of a beautiful baby on it. Right away I was struck by their definition of overcoming infertility. The fertility specialist was obviously advertising that you overcome infertility by giving birth to a child.

I have to respectfully disagree. The billboard made me sad for the thousands of drivers that pass by with the infertility diagnosis. As though, the only way to overcome it is to give birth to a baby.

Webster defines “overcome” as “to get the better of”.

After 11 years, I still have the diagnosis of “infertile”,  and yet, I am here to tell you that I have overcome infertility. My diagnosis has not gotten the better of me. It has not defeated me. I overcame infertility without ever giving birth to a baby.

That billboard made me so mad because it can make women feel defeated if they are infertile and give get message that once they have a baby, they are overcomers. Stupid!

NEVER let your diagnosis define you. NEVER let your hard circumstance define you. Never let your trial rob you of your joy. We are more than conquerers and victorious no matter what we are walking through.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:37

Jesus has called us. He has saved us. He has healed us. He has comforted us. He sees the big picture and He can be trusted. Even if you are in the midst of something horrible, He is at work. He sees you, He weeps with you, He comforts you, and He strengthens you. Your current situation does not define you. Don’t wait for it to turn around to be who God has created you to be, an overcomer!

I am not a farmer. I have never planted a single thing in my life. The closest that I have gotten to the dirt is when my dad would make me pull weeds in the front yard. I HATED it. My back would hurt, it was boring, dirt would get in my fingernails, and it was so boring. So, I think because of that portion of my upbringing, I have never had any kind of desire to work with dirt or land. Well, and I am pretty darn impatient so I am probably not wired like I would need to be to be a successful farmer 🙂

I say all of this as evidence that what I am about to share with you today, had to have been Jesus graciously enlightening me in a season of throwing my hands up in the air. For about 6 weeks it has just felt like I was a hamster in a hamster wheel. Running hard and fast, but not getting anywhere.

I was talking about my hamster ways with a friend a couple weeks ago, and so gently I sensed Jesus say, “you are farmer”.  I started thinking about the process of farming. But, because I don’t know much about it, I needed to talk to friends and google about it. From research, I discovered that I am in the beginning  stages of the farming. As in, getting the ground ready. As in, the ground is not even ready for seeds. As in, the harvest is far from happening. As in, hamster in the wheel feeling.

Honestly, instead of feeling discouraged, I was so encouraged and full of hope. Purpose and meaning surfaced. Without healthy ground, a healthy harvest won’t grow. EVERY step of the process is so necessary in farming. Skipping steps or rushing steps will only, “keep the produce from growing to their potential or depending on the soil, they may not grow at all or have a weak root system and die” – Mark Casler – Local Farmer 

As you can see, the entire process is so important. The un glorified, back breaking, and dirty process is absolutely necessary for a thriving produce. So, as I look at re-building a real estate business in a new town, navigating the waters of a son with new evolving special needs, comforting hurting loved ones that I can’t take away their pain, building new habits as I continue my health journey, and building a new community within a new church family, I am just getting the soil ready for a crazy amazing harvest! The harvest can’t come without the intentional and often times discouraging work and investment.

I am not sure where you are in this season. Maybe you’re in the harvest season, and you have run out of baskets to hold all your produce, praise Jesus! That is amazing and evidence of your faithfulness in the un glorified and back breaking groundwork. Or, maybe you are in a season like me, where you are surrounded by dirt and dung and trying to make sense of it all. Let me encourage you, it takes the dung in the dirt to produce crops. Life can only come after we embrace and mix in our trials and hardships. There is life at the other end, I promise!

My fellow farmer, no matter where you are in your season, let us link arms and tend to our farms with purpose and patience, while being kind and gentle to ourselves.

You are not alone.

Happy Farming!!

This last 4 days have been some of the emotionally hardest days that I have had in a very long time. There are so many things out of my control that are happening around me that I cannot fix. So many people that I love that are hurting and I can’t take way their pain.

You don’t have to know me very long to know that I am a feeler. I am basically a walking heart. I feel big and I feel deep. So, when people around me are hurting, I hurt at such a paralyzing and deep level.

After talking with my older sister yesterday morning, I realized that I am in over my head in so many areas of my life. I am praying non stop, I am worshiping, I am in the word, but what I have learned is that you can be doing all those great things and still attempting to carry the pain and attempt to save and fix those around you.

I was driving to drop Marty off at school this morning and I glanced down to see like 5 of our dashboard warning lights were on. Right away, I got an image of my own personal “dash board” and I was blinded. I realized that I have a lot of warning lights on and if I don’t tend to them and take them to the “mechanic” serious damage to the truck is not far behind.

I knew right away I needed some solitude. I needed soul care. So, I left work early to visit with the ultimate “mechanic”. I listed out my “warning lights” and then put my pen down to hear what He had to say. So thankful that I have a good, gracious, loving, and interactive God. He isn’t here to shame or condemn us. He is here to respond with love and gentle guidance. He is our ultimate hope, strength, peace, and healer.

It is baffling to me that the creator of the universe is here with little me in my little room, in my little town, and at the same time in hospital rooms with the sick, in homes comforting those in grief, in classrooms offering patience and guidance to the teachers, in cars drying tears of those who don’t know how they are going to pay this month’s house payment, and then, in the center of giant rooms full of thousands of people attending conferences in pursuit of Him all over the world. He knows no bounds. He knows no limits. His capacity to carry us and our needs is limitless no matter how many warning lights we have on in our lives.

I don’t know how lit up your dashboard is today as you read this. Maybe you have no lights on and you’re running smoothly, maybe one light, or maybe 10. No matter how many lights you have or don’t have, all of our needs are the same. We are all desperate for Jesus. Desperate for His breath to fill our lungs. Desperate for His perspective when things don’t make sense. Desperate for for His hope when we turn on the news for 5 seconds. Desperate for His daily forgiveness when we operate less than we know He’s called us to. Desperate for His presence when we feel lonely, isolated, or misunderstood.

There is desperation in all of us from the minute we were born. We were created to be desperate for our creator.

This is what I learned today, God wired us all uniquely. He has wired me to feel empathetically. It is a gift. But I have to know how to operate in my empathy and at the same time, release the pain around me to the ultimate “mechanic”. The God who is the best possible savior, healer, and comforter. He never asked me to step in that role. All He asks of me is to love, support, show grace, and comfort as an extension as Him. I can’t control the outcome, but I can control how I respond to the needs around me.

As I surrender and let go, one by one my warning lights will disappear.

Hi!

It’s been so long since I last wrote in here that, sadly, I forgot that I had a blog, and then today I got the notification that my credit card was billed for this domain. I looked it up and saw that my last post was summer of 2018. Wheels started turning as to why my writing frequency went from weekly posts, to every once in awhile, and then ultimately to a dead stop. And then, it came… I couldn’t post because I knew, after 9 years, our time in the desert was coming to a close. This reason in combination with the fact that I am the type of person that wears my heart on my sleeve, I didn’t know how to post anything of significance.  I don’t know how not to be completely transparent with what’s going on in my life. So, every time I got on here to post, I would ramble about what lessons I was learning without saying how I was learning them, so then I would delete the post because it felt so dishonest and untrue to myself.

I am now FREE to post again in a the way that I like to do so. No secrets, no holding back, and no filters! Praise Jesus, I missed this so much!

So, here is my attempt to update you on the last 15 months 🙂

We said good bye to Southwest Church on December 31st, 2018. There were tears shed, for sure. That church was our family for almost 10 years. We said good bye to the desert on February 27th, 2019. It was scary not knowing where we were going when we left Southwest, but we knew we had to trust Jesus when He called us out of the boat. We spent 2 months interviewing before Jason accepted the position as the Experience Pastor at Fellowship Church.  Fellowship has 3 campuses, one in Pasadena and two in Monrovia.  Jason joined the team as one of the pastors helping to serve the worship, production, and guest relations teams at their respective campuses.

Daily I am baffled by God’s gift to us through this church and the location. San Gabriel Valley is listed in Wikipedia as one of the most ethnically diverse areas in the United States. Diversity was one of the most important of our non negotiable list for our next home. We wanted our boys to be surrounded by others that shared their same skin tone. Our church and city looks how I envision heaven will look and I could not be more excited about it!

Not only is this spot out of the desert heat, but we are also still close enough to maintain a relationship with our previous foster daughter. Her mom is so gracious to share her with us one weekend a month. The proximity to the desert is such a gift because of the ability to maintain all the important relationships as well as Weiland’s incredible psychiatrist 🙂

There is so much more that God has been teaching me and encouraging me with throughout this huge transition and I cannot wait to share. Don’t worry it won’t be another year before I tell you about it 🙂

I will leave you with this. Trust the process. If God is calling you to something and you don’t know all of the details, don’t let that hold you back. Write the book, speak at the event, volunteer at the place, quit the job, adopt the baby, reach out to the friend, or maybe you just need to step into Church again. No matter what it is, take it one step at a time and remember the God who is calling you out, is with you every step of the way. Take it one day at a time and surround yourself with a community that will pray for you, encourage you, and nudge you out of the boat if needed! It is always worth it!

I don’t know about you all, but I love the app called Waze. It is a direction app that in my experience appears to be more creative and accurate than Google maps. It just got way better too because you can pick someone to record directions and so it feels like a loved one is with you anytime you are using the app to get around. Currently my younger sister, Jamie, travels everywhere with me and it is GLORIOUS!!

Waze will have multiple options to pick from and it will show you how long each will take and advise you based on traffic and accidents. It cuts hours off the drive if you need to go somewhere during peak traffic time.

Most recently Jamie’s voice was directing me around Orange County the day before the 4th in the mid afternoon. I knew traffic would be horrible on the way home so I tapped on my handy dandy Waze app and started on the journey back home. Let me tell you, it took me on roads and highways that seemed so wrong to me. And so I was talking to “Jamie” asking her if she was sure and I was fighting the urge that made me want to turn around and trust my knowledge of the roads.

Right as I was arguing in my head with Waze, I felt a gentle prodding, “trust this process”. Then I thought about how Waze has a complete aerial view that I do not have. Because I didn’t abort the mission with Waze, hours were cut off my trip home with only minimal traffic.

So many times this is what my relationship with Jesus looks like. He’ll ask me to talk to someone, go somewhere, adopt someone, quit watching or listening to something, do or don’t spend money on specific things, or most baffling, to just rest and be. Sometimes I argue, sometimes I roll my eyes, sometimes I get scared, sometimes I say no, and sometimes while trembling I step out in obedience.

Last week on my drive, I was reminded of God’s perfect aerial view. Life doesn’t always make sense, in my experience, most of the time it doesn’t. But when I trust the process and remain sensitive to the Spirit’s leading, there is more joy and peace available than could ever be fathomed.

Waze offered me not only the best possible directions last week, but a very important and life changing lesson, Jesus ALWAYS knows what He is doing and He can ALWAYS be trusted.

“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight.” – Proverbs 3:5-6

AMEN!!

Today is our son’s 3rd birthday. I was just sitting on the floor playing with him and it hit me, “I wonder how you are doing today”? My heart instantly started aching for you and the emotions that may be flooding your heart every June 30th, and other days, for that matter.

I doubt that you will ever read this blog, but I don’t want to doubt what God can do 🙂

I want to thank you. Thank you for your courage and strength to choose adoption for Marty. He has brought so much healing and joy into our family. He is a gift that I will NEVER stop thanking Jesus for. His life is a miracle that you selflessly chose to give life to.

Marty is goofy, kind, and joyful. He has big dimples, big brown eyes, and big lips! He’s always smiling and laughing. In the last month he has potty trained himself and taught himself to swim. You created an adorable little smarty pants 🙂

If you ever find this blog and recognize this picture, know that he is in good hands. He is loved by all. He is a gift that you have given us and we will never stop thanking you and our God.

You are in our thoughts and prayers. Praying that Jesus’ pursuit of you is obvious and His love is undeniable in your life.

Love,

Marty’s other momma 🙂

Hello! Long time no blog. It’s not for lack of substance to write about, but for lack of clarity as to what to write about.

Jason was blessed to have 4 weeks off this last month and so I decided to fast from Instagram while he was off from work. I wanted to be able to be fully present and engage with the family. During this time of intentionality, I experienced sweetness with my family, with my girls, and with my Jesus.

As I was journaling yesterday, I could feel a blog brewing and I knew it was time to speak up on here and social media. I never want to live my life learning lessons and not sharing them in case someone else is going through the same thing. My prayer is to live a life of encouragement to the best of my ability, so here it goes! 🙂

First things first, I have had to apologize to Jesus for this one. Awhile back I hurt my back pretty bad. I couldn’t sit on hard surfaces, I had a hard time sleeping, I could barely stand once I had been sitting or laying down. It was so painful. I have been working out about 5 times a week for a few months now so I am sure that was part of it. Anyways, I was going to bed one night and I begged Jesus to heal my back and then I told him, “Never mind, why would you heal my back? What do you get out of this? There is no point in healing my back.” I felt Him gently speak to my spirit, “What if I wanted to heal it just because your my kid and I love you?” The next morning, no lie, I woke up and my back was totally better! I went to the gym and catered to it because I kept thinking there was no way it was healed. But it was! I am a loud mouth and I tell everyone who is anyone when something cool happens, but I mentioned this to ONLY 2 people. It felt embarrassing or like I was making it up. One of those people even said to me, “Maybe you really didn’t hurt your back to begin with”. So my first lesson of sweetness in this solitude is this: Never stop asking Jesus for healing. Even if it seems stupid or unimportant. I don’t care if it’s a bee sting, a head ache, or cancer. Jesus wants to heal it all! He is a good daddy who likes to heal His kids.

Secondly, there is so much power in stepping away from social media. I have loved being fully present with my family and those close to me during this last 4 weeks. Nothing has distracted me, well, except for Candy Crush :), and it has been so much easier to engage in the present and take pictures just because I wanted to capture the moment for me. I debated even going back on at all, but I had a friend tell me a story about how my posts encouraged her to pursue Jesus and His joy. So, if Jesus is going to use my posts even just for one person, I’m back on! 🙂

Thirdly, like I said previously, I have been working out diligently since the middle of March and watching what I eat since the end of 2017. The numbers on the scale have barely moved so I have gotten discouraged quite often. I then had a friend encourage me to list out all of my non scale victories. Okay, any of you in this boat with me, DO THIS EXERCISE! It was so encouraging. I had 9 victories on my list and it helped shift my perspective and remind myself that I am doing this for health and not a number. You too, my friend, are more than a number. Keep pursuing health and do your best to ignore the number on the scale.

Lastly,  the importance of “surrender, trust, and then watch” keeps coming up in my life. This is so hard for me as I am a pretty intense control freak. Whether I want to help someone I love feel better, get my child to obey or my husband to understand, maybe the stress of finances, or the fact that I don’t feel done building my family but I have no control how or when our next child could come. The power of surrender is incredible. When done successfully it is so liberating and joyous. I have been able to surrender on occasion, where I lose my patience is the trust/watch portion. Jesus has taught me in this sweet solitude over and over again, that my part in this relationship is to trust, even when it feels like its taking forever or not happening like I think it should. His ways are always higher and better and His promises are true. If this truth could penetrate our hearts and minds, it would revolutionize our lives. Who wants less than best?! I know that I don’t want to settle in any area of my life, so if the timing isn’t right for what I’m asking for, then please, Lord, don’t bring it to pass.

So, here you have it! These are my most significant lessons learned during this sweet time of solitude. I am so thankful to serve such an incredible God. When we live life WITH Him, nothing else matters. His presence is never ending and always available.

Take some time today. Even if it is minutes, and just sit with your Abba, let Him whisper how much He loves you 🙂

This last Saturday my girl, who I affectionately call, Kenna Boo Bear, texted me and asked if she could come hang out after church. This was a no brainer, my girls bring life into my home, hence the revolving door day in and day out. She came over, we laughed and had our usual heart to heart talks. She asked if she could stay the night and go to church with us in the morning, I will NEVER turn this down! It means I get to take a shower before church!! Hallelujah!

Sunday, KBB went above and beyond.  She got the boys dressed, took them on a walk, and entertained them so I could get ready for church, uninterrupted! As I was taking a shower, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for this 15 year old’s ability to be the hands and feet of Jesus in my family.

Over the last 17 years I have had the privilege of doing life with some of the most incredible teens known to man. In the very first batch of girls, a few of them are married with children of their own and then in the most recent batch, they are navigating their teens years. No matter where you are, girls, I think of you often and I am so thankful and honored that Jesus has allowed me to know you and live some of your seasons with you!

This letter is for you!

Dear pieces of my heart,

You are loved. You are beautiful. You are all extremely unique and gifted. Jesus knit you in your momma’s wombs and knew that good was coming to the world.

Thank you for loving me like you have. Those of you who loved me when I was just starting out in ministry brought me so much joy,  laughter , and lessons 🙂 Those of you who love me as an almost 40 year old teach me so much! The cool lingo, the fashion do’s and don’ts, the iPhone apps that I don’t want to know exist, and that watching Netflix and chilling, really isn’t watching Netflix and chilling… Most importantly, you have taught me the importance of a good hug, a smile, an “I love you”, and letting loose to have fun.

I beg you, remember who your creator is. Remember that you are royalty. Remember to keep Jesus as your first love, no matter if you are married or not. Keep Jesus on the throne in your hearts and minds. Grace, girls, shower yourselves with grace. Be tender and aware when your heart hurts and allow it to hurt, and then nurture it with tenderness and grace.

I know that you all struggle to some degree with addictions, hurts, losses, anxiety, heart break, depression, loneliness, or low self-respect/love. My heart breaks with you and for you.  BUT, I am comforted because I know that Jesus sees you, cries with you, comforts you, leads you, and is always with you. So, my prayer is that your awareness of the Holy Spirit would be so undeniable in your life. I pray that His comfort, peace, strength, joy, rest, healing, and freedom would burst forth in each of your lives as you pursue God’s heart for you.

There is none like you and it is my joy and honor to know you, love you, and pray over you. Thank you for all that you add to my life.  My existence on this Earth is richer because of you!

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you, of all ages, who brighten my life in the deepest and most meaningful ways!

I love you!