Pain…Something that we all feel at some point in our lives. Could be physical and it could be emotional. In my opinion the emotional pain is by far the worst kind of pain. When one of the teen girls that I mentor come to me with a broken heart from a boy I always tell them, “I would rather have every bone in my body broken, than a broken heart”.
I believe there are even different levels of emotional pain. I remember when I was single and one of the guys would either not like me back or break up with me, I couldn’t even eat. The pain was so deep that it consumed me. Like I’ve talked about in a previous post, Jason broke up with me after we had already started talking marriage. I remember that I couldn’t get out of bed for about 3 days. I lost weight. I couldn’t work. I was a mess. The pain was so deep.
I have been processing the pain of saying good bye to our foster daughter after having her for the first 2 years of her life. It’s been 4 months since she was last in our home and the pain is still there. Some nights the pain hurts so bad that it is difficult to breathe. A few months ago I went to our church’s women’s retreat up in the mountains. On the drive there my amazing friend, Courtney, said something that has stuck with me and has been repeating in my mind ever since.
“Jesus is not an epidural, He’s a midwife. He doesn’t want to numb the pain, He wants to deliver us from it.”
For the thousandth time I thought to myself, how do people process pain without Jesus. He is my hope. He is my strength. He is my joy. He is my song. Even though I love Jesus with my whole heart and serve Him the best I know how to, I gained 30 pounds from when we picked up Molly from the hospital until the end of last year. (2 years and 3 months) Food is what I would go to when there was a bad visit, a hard court hearing, and when I finally had to say good bye to her. Food and shopping got my devotion which has left me thicker than I’d like to be and poorer than I’d like to be 🙂 I wanted tangible. I wanted to numb the pain because it hurt too bad to feel. What I found is the numbing wore off a whole lot quicker than I had hoped.
When I went to Jesus, His compassionate arms held me, but didn’t numb the pain, so then I would pour a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. What I have learned in the recent weeks is that Jesus loves me too much to numb the pain. He wants me to process it, feel it, and release it. His healing comes when we do this process. I still miss Mo a lot, but I have never had so much joy or peace in my life than I do today.
It has only been 24 days since making some radical changes in my eating and shopping, but I finally feel like I am thriving and not just surviving. Going to Jesus instead of bread and Amazon has been so rewarding. I am sleeping better. God’s peace fills me. I am more available to my boys and my husband. But most importantly, the intimacy with the Holy Spirit is at a whole new level. My awareness of His presence carries through to all my relationships, including my relationship with my self. Showing myself grace, forgiveness, and love at a whole new level.
Does pain feel good. Oh heck no! But, I do not regret it. I wouldn’t change it for ANYTHING! As I have learned to allow the spirit to be my midwife, I have learned the power of being delivered from pain and not numbing it until it sneaks up again.
How are you doing? How is your heart? How is your mind? Are you allowing Jesus to be your midwife?
I can promise you that the Vodka, the Oxycontin, the pot, the shopping, the eating, the sex, the porn, or the self harm will not EVER deliver you from the pain. It may numb it, but the pain will always come back. Then you have the pain and the regret from how you tried to numb the pain. It isn’t easy, but if you can sit in the pain, feel it, process it, and allow Jesus to hold you and comfort you, the healing will come. God is the God of miracles. He is in the business of restoration, redemption, and making beautiful things out of dust.
You are brave. You are courageous. You have everything you need in Him, whose power resides in you, to be free of your pain. As you find freedom from your pain, you will also find that the goodness of God expands your territory for ministry. Through your healing and freedom, you will be used to help others experience healing and freedom from their pain! #worthit
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
33 Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
34 “Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?”
35 “Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay them?”
36 For from him and through him and for him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.
“Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”