Do you ever feel like you need a redo? May the chance to do a day over? An hour over? Maybe a season redo?
I know that I do. Today as a matter of fact. One of my incredible weaknesses is when I am struggling internally I tend to get diarrhea to the mouth. My filter is out the window and my face has this incredible talent of not being able to hide how I am really feeling. I hope that some day I will learn to not leave the walls of my house when this struggle is taking place. I know about myself that I cannot be fake if I tried. I wear my heart on my sleeve and face. For as long as I can remember “my face says it all”. This is not an awesome problem to have when your husband is the pastor of music and it is a Sunday.
Marty has been in the habit of waking up around 5 every morning. Because he shares a room with Weiland I cannot let him cry it out. Instead I practically sprain my ankle every morning shooting out of bed to get him before he wakes his brother up. We have discussed in a previous blog the dangers of waking up Weiland before he is ready.
This morning was no different. Well, except that it is Sunday and Jason is unavailable to help with the kids because he has to be out the door early for work. This morning, I did not get to Marty in time. I find him and Weiland up and ready to rock n roll. I figure, let’s do this! Maybe I can get us dressed before Molly wakes up so that it is only 3 of us at once instead of 4. So I picked out their clothes, dressed Marty , and then tackled the task of getting myself presentable. Feeling impressed with myself, I even made us eggs. Molly wakes up, I get her dressed and load us in the car. It is 7:30…Church starts at 9:30…Dang it! I have us loaded up, so I head to church anyway.
Dubs, Marty, and I are ready for a nap by the time we get there and services aren’t even starting for close to 2 hours. Let my internal struggle begin. It ALWAYS starts with negative self-talk in my head. I don’t even realize how its affecting me until I hear myself snapping at my tired 5 year old. It is finally time to check them into class and I am so disgruntled that can’t even sit through service so I grab a coffee and sit in the green room.
The band finishes an incredible set with amazing songs and where Jason even shares with the church about the miracle of our sons and the peace we have come to terms with regards our infertility. They come back, and there is a new singer. Jason calls me over to introduce me. In Jason’s introduction he tells me that this singer has a new baby. I respond with, “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry”?!?! What is wrong with me. I wish that I can say that it stopped there. But nope, remember about that whole diarrhea of the mouth sickness that I said that I have?! I go on for probably a solid 10 minutes in a full room about how much becoming parent sucks. I overcompensated. I was tired and grumpy. This poor guy who has no idea who I am was kind enough to laugh at talk about the hard adjustments. The reality is, I did not bring life into that room. I was like a wet blanket.
I am sorry to all of those in the green room this morning. I am sorry for not bringing life into that safe place. I am sorry for not celebrating the new life. I can’t redo this morning but I can apologize and learn to do things differently. Life is short. Thankfully, grace is available.
Because a redo is not usually an option, let’s learn how to show ourselves grace in the midst of our mess ups.