Your Numbers Have Dropped

Jason and I were married on August 19, 2006. I am 2 years older than him, but shhhh, we don’t need to ever talk about that again 🙂 We had barely said our vows and I was begging my 24 year old husband, a fresh college graduate, to give me the hour, day, or even month that we could go off birth control to start trying for kids. Poor guy. For those of you that know me well, you know that I am like a pit bull, I won’t stop until I get an answer. Not my most favorite attribute. We finally came to an agreement with the 3 year plan. Since you can plan and all, we would get pregnant in year 4 of marriage.

Year 3 came and we went off the pill. I was picking out names, and telling my mom and sisters to be ready! The minute there is no goalie, you get pregnant, right?! That’s at least what I thought being the middle of 5 kids and an aunt to 5 nieces and nephews at the time. Month after month passed; negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test was thrown in the trash. Discouragement, sadness, frustration, and confusion month after month took home in my heart.

Finally in November of 2009 we went to the doctor to do some blood work and get answers.  On December 1st, the office called to tell us the blood work results were back and we were pregnant! WHAT?! I immediately ran out to the store to buy a test so that I could see it with my own eyes. For the first time ever on that little digital screen there wasn’t a “not” before the word “pregnant”. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was so giddy with excitement.

Three days later I started bleeding. The doctor said not to worry because it was common to bleed early on, but they wanted to check my HCG numbers. Results came in and my HCG numbers were still rising. Good news! Because we were so early on in the pregnancy they wanted to check my numbers again. Those results came in on Christmas Eve. “Your numbers have declined. So sorry, but you are miscarrying.”

Being that Jason is pastor of music at church, Christmas Eve services weren’t something he could miss. My mom and sister drove out from Murrieta to pick me up. I was a mess. So broken. “Miscarriage? Women in my family don’t miscarry.” And the beginning of the lie started that day, “You are broken, Elizabeth. You aren’t a real woman.”

The next business day we called the doctor to ask what happened. He told me that I have PCOS, and it is amazing that I even got pregnant without fertility drugs. It is the number one cause of infertility. That was a dark day for me. Jason and I had some discussing to do and decisions to make.

I didn’t want to try fertility drugs because I had in my head that if God wanted me to get pregnant, He would heal me and I would get pregnant. So, I had an internal battle going on of what I know now is ridiculous and dumb theology. 

I’d wanted to be pregnant for as long as I can remember. I was 5 or 6 years old stuffing pillows under my shirt to make the perfect round belly. I’d even pop my hips so that it looked like a baby was kicking, or so I thought it looked that way 🙂 Getting pregnant was a life long dream that I saw shattering before my eyes. 

One day my mom and I were on the phone and she asked me, “What is wrong with trying Clomid?” I told her my amazing reasoning and she responded with something that has stuck with me to this day. “God gave us intelligent scientists that have created medicine to help us. The way you are responding is the same as if a diabetic refused to take their insulin because if God didn’t want them to have diabetes, He would heal them.” I realized that I wouldn’t be interfering with God, if He didn’t want me to get pregnant then the Clomid wouldn’t work. That night I talked to Jason and the next day we made an appointment with the doctor.

Jason and I made the decision that if Clomid didn’t work, adoption would be the route for us. So we began 5 months of Clomid. Can I just tell you that stuff made me so crazy! Like CRAZY!! Like putting cantaloupe in the freezer crazy. Like forgetting how to drive a manual car in the middle of driving when it’s all I’ve ever driven crazy. Hot flashes like no one’s business. SO klutzy. It was not the brightest 5 months of my life. Poor Jason! Month after month it didn’t work. But God was so gracious the whole way. On my hardest days someone would reach out with an encouraging text or call with the kindest words or Bible verse. He met me day in and day out. I remember one time I was writing in my journal crying out to God, begging Him to allow me to get pregnant and He so gently spoke to me to enjoy this time because it is the calm before the storm. I had no idea what it meant, but I assumed that it meant I would be getting pregnant soon and maybe with multiples! 

We didn’t get pregnant and I was crushed. We weren’t a part of the 80% success rate. I was so in my head that I couldn’t see past being broken and feeling less than. It felt like everyone around me was getting pregnant first try or not trying at all. I went through a dark season where I wanted to punch every pregnant woman in the uterus. I didn’t, don’t worry…I just felt so resentful and jealous. “Why me, God? Would I be a bad mom? Would Jason be a bad dad? Why is this the journey you’ve chosen for me?” Talk about a real pity party! It wasn’t until much later that I learned the power of walking through a trial keeping my head up and ears open to how God could use me in the midst of my brokenness. 

The month after our last round of Clomid we met with the county and began the process of foster to adopt. March 2011 we did our orientation and we brought my stud of a kid, Weiland John, home on October 26th 2011. Our final month of failed Clomid, my Dubster was conceived. 

I can honestly call my infertility a gift. I can honestly say that I am thankful for my miscarriage. If I didn’t miscarry, we wouldn’t have my Dubster. Weiland is a kid that I could never dream of being allowed to raise and to love and to call my son.  God sees the big picture. He is so good! 

This is just a small glimpse of the beginning of our infertility journey. More to come..perhaps in a book format 😉 

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