The buzz has begun, the greeting cards are out and the the Etsy advertisements are suggesting. It feels like the pregnant bellies and ultra sound pictures are popping out faster than the spring flowers. Mother’s Day is upon us.
You swear, you are the only woman on the planet that is not a mom yet. You are dreading Sunday, already planning not to leave the house, turn on the TV, or go on social media. You feel alone. You feel tired. You feel sad. Nothing that anyone says to you makes a difference. You’ve read the verses, you’ve heard the sermons, and maybe you’ve even read the blogs. You feel the real, the gigantically overwhelming, and almost unbearable weight of infertility more so this time of the year than any other.
This may be the hardest post that I have ever written because I know. I have been there and some days I am still there. For the last 8 1/2 years, I have read the blogs, heard the sermons, and got the verses. You are not alone.
My attempt through this post is to prayerfully have it be your manna even just for todays.
Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to mourn. Allow yourself to be authentic and honest in your pain. Maybe it’s early on for you and it’s the very first negative pregnancy test that you’ve seen, maybe you just had ANOTHER miscarriage, or maybe you are 10 years in of longing to be a mom but there just isn’t anymore a doctor can do. I don’t know what your specific situation is, but I do know that Jesus is intimately involved in the details. He sees you. He cries with you. He holds you. You are not alone. There are over 200,000 cases of infertility a month. 1 in 3 women miscarry. Not all women know that they have miscarried and even those that do know, don’t talk about it. It can be so lonely. But, it is happening all around us.
I remember when I miscarried on Christmas Eve of 2009 I was crippled with a crushed heart. My mom and sister had to drive out to the desert from Murrieta to pick me up because Jason had all of the Christmas Eve services to play in at church. It didn’t make sense why and I was so sad that my greatest heart’s desire couldn’t be met. Totally out of control. Nothing I could do to be a mom.
God is the creator of life and if it isn’t His timing, He must be up to something. He is intentional. His ways are higher. His thoughts are greater. After my miscarriage my doctor told me he was surprised I got pregnant when I had PCOS. I thought, “Awesome! number 1 leading cause in infertility. I got pregnant and lost the baby!” (insert sarcastic tone)
God has continually been present. He has never left my side. He has continued to be my daily manna. Negative test after negative test. Failed fertility treatment after failed fertility treatment. He was and continues to be my strength. My joy. My peace. My completion.
You are not broken. You are on a journey designed by God. The author and creator of life is at work and can be trusted. He is writing a story in you that will far surpass anything that you can fathom.
So, this week leading up to Mother’s Day, I am thinking of you that long, pray, and weep over becoming a mom. I am confident that Jesus will meet you, comfort you, and be your manna as long as you press in to Him. Put on the worship music, take your thoughts captive, cling to His Word. Pamper yourself. Get your nails done, get a massage, and go get a delicious meal. Celebrate YOUR story that God is INTENTIONALLY writing.
You are chosen. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are complete.