I have had an enlightening week. I wish that I could say that it has been an encouraging and happy enlightening. But it has been a really difficult week of internal struggle and ultimately a HUGE reality check for me. 

Jason has been sick in bed most of this week, like down for the count sick. It isn’t very often that he goes to the doctor or stays in bed so I knew that he really wasn’t feeling well. I wish that I could say that I was understanding and an awesome nurse for him. Instead, I had this ugly black heart of bitterness and frustration emerge. 

I didn’t truly realize how much he does around the house and for the kids until he wasn’t available. Instead of feeling grateful for the amazing husband and dad that Jason is, I was just angry, tired, and frustrated. 

Throughout the week I complained about how much I was doing. I would sulk and have pity parties that no one was taking care of me and my needs. 

My poor husband and kids did not have a pleasant care taker, and the sad thing is that they haven’t for awhile. This week just brought about what has already been inside all along. 

Contentment. Finding joy in all circumstances. Being thankful for all that God has give me. Unfortunately, I’ve been discontent. I’ve been looking around and lost in comparison of what I don’t have, losing sight of all that I do have. Anything from the numbers on the scale to the flooring that I want in my house. I had gotten so deep in the pit of entitlement and ungratefulness that one day Jason and I were driving about a week ago and I was grumbling about who knows what and he stopped me and said, “You have so much to be thankful for.” I quickly responded with, “Like what?! Name one thing!” I am not proud to admit to this, but this is just a simple example of how derailed I had gotten. 

Friday evening I was able to go see “All Sons and Daughters” at a nearby church with some friends. God so gently and lovingly gave me the word “derailed”. That is exactly what had happened, in the last 5 months  I have been so derailed. Whether it was the foster care system making decisions that I didn’t agree with, teething babies keeping me up at night, living in our home while renovating it, or my 4 year old having a hard time transitioning into his new school, the life was being sucked out of me. 

My eyes were not fixed on Jesus, they have been fixed on my circumstances. Circumstances that change and fluctuate. No wonder why I was derailed. I took my eyes off  my source of consistancy! 

As I sat down in the seat in the middle of worship, peace overcame me. Remorse and repentance to the Lord, Jason, and my kids. I was so mad that I let satan steal my joy and believed his lies of not having or being enough. God is so faithful to gently guide us and be there ready to forgive us as soon as we ask for it. I came home renewed. 

Then Sunday came, yes just 2 days later.  You see, it isn’t just any Sunday. It is September 18th, the day I have been counting down to since the beginning of August when I decided to cross something off my bucket list and purchase tickets to see Garth Brooks.  

Saturday night Weiland was up most the night with a stomach ache, Marty was up twice with a horrible cold,  and Jason was up coughing. I thought I was being so loving and considerate when I told Jason that he didn’t have to drive to Orange County with me, he could stay home and “rest”. “Rest” taking care of our 2 sick babies, and a VERY high energy Weiland. It was either that or I have our sitter come watch the kids while Jason lays in bed and takes care of himself if he needed anything. Those were the only two options, right?! And then it hit me, “Elizabeth, this is not the time to leave town. Embracing this season and thriving in it is being home and present with your sick husband and kids.” So, I let go of the ticket and stayed home to take care of my family. 

If it weren’t for that gentle and liberating time with Jesus the Friday before, I don’t think that I would have been able to make the right choice for my family on Sunday. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my good, good Father. He is so patient with us. So kind. So faithful. So gentle. He is relentlessly in love with us. 

This lesson of contentment is not super easy for me. But I am committed to learning and growing until my days on earth are done. 

Thanks for reading 🙂