I think that so many times we want to rush the pain in life. We want the quick fix. We want the magic numbing potion. Or…. maybe not, maybe it’s just me 🙂
I know that in the last 10 years I have walked through some crap. Some really excruciating, lonely, and heavy crap.
- Severe anxiety and depression that led to being on disability
- 12 months of unsuccessful and STRESSFUL failed fertility treatments
- 8 years of infertility
- Saying good bye to our sweet Bella
- Broken relationships
- Food addiction
- Tough patches in marriage
- Continually being misunderstood
As I have walked through these hard times, I have responded in various ways. Some helpful and some not so helpful. But, what I have learned is that even though life is extremely unpredictable and always changing, God is constant and unchanging. Even if we respond in a way that may not reflect His character, He never stops loving us. He never stops cheering us on. He never stops dusting us off and helping us up. He is such a gentleman. So patient, kind, gracious, and loving.
So, as I sit here the eve of the court hearing where a judge will put her stamp of approval on my little Mo Mo to go into her birth mom’s care, I am filled with hope, peace, strength, and joy.
What is new and welcoming to me is that when I had walked through the situations listed above I had never been as overwhelmed by God’s presence as I am in this season. Don’t be mistaken, I am sad. My eyes burn from all of the crying that I have done this week. I mourn the loss of the dream of adopting this little girl. I mourn over my little Marty who will not understand where his best friend has gone. He only knows life with her by his side. I mourn over the fact that once again, Jason no longer has a daughter in the home. I mourn over Weiland as he wrestles through losing another sister. But! What I have learned over the last 6 months is that it is okay to mourn. It is okay to be sad. Sadness does not equal lack of trust in Jesus. Sadness is a normal reaction when we encounter hardships. It is what we do with that sadness that is powerful. For the first time in my life I have chosen to NOT let my sadness rob me of my joy. This choice has been life-changing. Maybe the most powerful choice that I have ever made in my life thus far.
Choosing joy isn’t always easy or enjoyable. But, always worth it. Before this season, I wasn’t good at choosing joy. I would choose donuts. I would choose yelling at loved ones. I would choose gossip. I would choose shopping. I would choose wallowing. I would choose victimizing. I would choose blaming. But, let me tell you, THOSE DAYS ARE OVER!! I am living proof that the joy of our HUGE, CAPABLE, and GOOD God is our strength!
What kind of season are you in right now? What kind of day did you have today? What if you would do a little experiment with me and throughout the days ahead intentionally choose joy, no matter what lemons are thrown your way? It doesn’t mean you can’t feel or be vulnerable. It doesn’t mean you can’t feel sadness or cry. What it means is you will choose joy in the midst of your pain. It won’t be easy at first or feel natural, but I promise you, IT WILL BE WORTH IT!
Are you up for it!?
One thought on “Joy in My Sadness”
Elizabeth, you are so great!!I really admire you and feel your pain. If I can be there for you in anyway let me know. Much love to your family.