Do You Trust Me?

Leave a comment

I remember it so clearly. It was a Monday night at women’s Bible study. A friend of mine told me that her husband’s cousin was going to be delivering a baby that would be placed with CPS at delivery and she asked me if I knew of a good Christian family who was approved through the county to foster adopt this baby girl. I was holding our tiny 6 week old Marty and I told her, “me!” knowing full well that Jason would call me crazy and shut that down real quick like. She laughed and said, “No, really. If you think of anyone let me know. She’ll be here in a few weeks.”

I went home and casually brought it up to Jason. His reaction was predictable. An adamant “no”. I felt crushed. I went into our room and journaled to Jesus my heart towards this baby girl. I sent a text to my mom and sisters to ask them to confirm my craziness that I wanted another newborn. They agreed and validated my feeling of craziness. I just remember thinking, journaling, and even telling Jason, “Bob Goff (one of my heroes) would say, ‘yes!’ Love Does!” That night I felt a very deep sense that I had to drop it. I had to let it be and allow God to change Jason’s heart if we were supposed to bring this baby home.

Fast Forward six weeks. I am in the shower and from the glass I can see that my phone is ringing. I couldn’t see who it was, but I KNEW.  It is almost as though the Lord spoke to my heart that it was my friend and the baby had been born and is ready for a home. I immediately started panicking. Anxiety was overcoming me. The breathing exercises weren’t working. THEN… so clearly, so gently, and so comforting, I heard, “Do you trust Me?”  Immediately, through tears, “yes, Jesus, yes. I trust you.”

I got out of the shower and sure enough the message was my friend telling me the baby was about to be released from the NICU and needed a home. I called her back and got details. Told her that I would approach Jason one more time and see what he says, but in the mean time I gave her a name of an amazing couple who have wanted to adopt to see if they would be able to get emergency certified through the county to be placed with the baby.

I called Jason and told him all the details about this baby that I knew and heard. He surprisingly responded with needing time to consult his mentor and pray about it. In the next day or two Jason’s heart did a 180 and the other family wasn’t able to be emergency certified through the county. Before I knew it, I was on the phone with the social worker telling him that we wanted to take this baby home. Within 48 hours we were driving to Loma Linda to meet our daughter in the NICU. A week later we were bringing her home to live with us. Social services telling us from the moment we said yes to her, that this is a “slam dunk adoption case”.

Here we are today, a little over 14 months from the day we brought her home and we are 2 weeks into Molly doing overnight visits with her birth mom in preparation for her to be reunified permanently in February.

Our community is the most incredible community on the planet. Almost daily I get a text message or a phone call from someone in our community checking in on me to see how I am doing.

I cannot tell you how many times that Jesus has gently reminded me of the question that He asked me in the shower that day…too many to count. Every time we get hard news. Every time I have a day that is rough emotionally or mentally. Every time that visits get increased. “Do you trust me?”

So to answer the question, “How are you doing?” I have hard moments. But more times than not, I am overwhelmed with God’s peace. A supernatural peace that overcomes my body. The truth is, I trust Jesus with all that I am. I trust Him with Molly. I trust Him with my boys. I trust Him with my heart. I trust Him with this entire process. He has never left me. He will see us through. Here is the truth. I will get through and I will be okay. It doesn’t mean that it won’t hurt and there won’t be tears shed. What this means is that I will walk every excruciating step with Him until I get to the other side.  God is good. God is faithful. God is gentle. God is the perfect comforter. God gives good gifts. He is a good daddy. He can be trusted.

As of now, the fact is that I can’t worry about tomorrow. Today, Molly is in our home. She needs and deserves a totally attentive and reckless love. Today, my boys need a mom who is choosing joy. A mom who gets out of bed ready to love them and interact with them. Today, my husband needs a wife and partner to walk through this while passionately pursuing God and His strength. As long as I keep the perspective and truth that I am on this earth to know Jesus and make Him known, I am good. Today is good.

So, I pass on this image of Aladdin to you. Is God calling you to trust Him in a way that may seem impossible to trust Him? Maybe He is asking you to get on the “magic carpet” and go on an adventure with Him?! Maybe He is looking at you financial needs with you and holding out His hand to you. Maybe you are longing to be married or longing to have children. Maybe your heart is in paralyzing pain over a life event. I don’t know what it is in your life that you are struggling through, or maybe wrestling with, but I want to throw out this question to you, will you trust Him?”

 

Santa Maria

3 Comments

A few weeks ago Jason and I watched “Just Friends” on Netflix. There is part in the movie when the main character, Ryan Reynolds, walks into his bedroom from when he grew up and it looks exactly the same as it did when he left after he graduated high school.  Jason paused the movie and asked me, “What did your room look like when you were in high school?” He wanted me to paint a picture for him. Seems like a fun question, ya? Well, for me it turned out not to be. It stirred up so much in me that I didn’t even know existed. After what seems like eternity, I looked at Jason with a blank stare. I could not think of a single thing about my bedroom. I, to this day, cannot even tell you what colors were in it or what kind of bedding that I had. I don’t even know which of the rooms in our house I ended up in when I was in high school.

The next day I sat in my “I need Jesus” chair in our room and got out my journal and put on Pandora. I realized something interesting that day…

I have blocked out most of my time living in Santa Maria.

My family moved to Santa Maria when I was 5 years old. I lived there until I was 19. Most memories growing up are painful for me. Since Jason asked me the question about my bedroom, I have made a realization that I have blocked out the majority of my time in Santa Maria because I don’t like that Elizabeth. I am embarrassed by her, I am mad at her, and I am a little bit sad for her too.

I wanted to be loved at an intense level. I wanted to be loved at the expense of betraying a friend’s secret, okay, a lot of friend’s secrets.  I wanted to be loved at the expense of disrespecting my parents. I wanted to be loved at the expense of hurting others feelings through my sarcasm and mockery.  I wanted to be loved at the expense of handing my heart over to any guy that would look twice at me, he didn’t even need to treat me well. All of these reasons make me so mad and embarrassed by her.

But then I get sad.

I wonder why this void to be loved was so great in little me.  I may never know. But what I do know is that those 14 years play a huge role in who I am today. I had INCREDIBLE role models. I don’t know that any of you will ever stumble upon this blog, but I want to publicly thank you for your roles.

First and foremost I have to thank my mom and dad. My parents loved me enough to not care if I saw them as friends. They loved me enough to have boundaries that helped protect me from making even more serious or damaging choices. They were the dynamic duo and still are today. Such a beautiful picture of hearts persistent for Jesus and each other. I could not have hand picked more incredible parents to raise me and continue to invest in me in such incredible ways today.

Mike and Debra, you were huge in my most formative years. You always had a listening ear, a kind heart, and encouraging words. You even opened up your home to me in some of my darkest adolescent days.

Joni, I am sorry that I made you almost want to quit working with young girls! I was such a brat in my late elementary years. You were so unconditional. Ill never forget the time you told me that you wished I could see myself how you saw me, and most  importantly how Jesus saw me. I love you so much and think of you often!

Bill, Oh Bill! What do I say to the man who continually showered me with encouragement and the kindest eyes?! You spoke life into me.

Guy and Kathy, I got my youth ministry degree because of you two! You loved me through my MOST obnoxious jokes, habits, and lack of a muzzle days and still let me live with you when I had no where else to go. Guy, I may have been a 4 year counseling session, but I think overall you guided me pretty well 🙂

Lynn and Ginny, your home was always open. You were never afraid to have the difficult conversations with me, always in love. To this day I feel so welcome into your house whenever needed. Your prayers, encouragement, and love have never been forgotten. I remember a very dark and difficult night at Oasis that, Ginny, you walked through with me. Love you guys!

Aaron and Marianne, you both played such different roles in my little self. Marianne you were an incredible teacher in Jr. High. Those years are some that I never want to relive. I can’t even imagine what it was like to be my teacher and youth leader! But I never felt judged or belittled by you. I loved my classes with you. You would light up my day. Aaron, you gave me the best internship a girl could ever ask for. I LOVED working for you. Although I was in college by the time the internship happened, I have some decisions from that time that I am so embarrassed about but you never stopped loving me or encouraging me. It was so hard to go back to college after that season of learning under you.

Sheryl, you were constant. You were unwavering. I was such a clown and sometimes so disrespectful but you kept investing in me. Continually pointing me to Jesus in love and patience and grace. Thank you.

Coach Fortier, you were my favorite teacher and warm up partner before volleyball games. You made my laugh and you challenged me. Even though you were my hi-light during my time 3 years at VCA, I will never believe you that wine in the Bible was really grape jello. 🙂 Thank you for being someone that welcomed me, encouraged me, and joked with me daily at a place that was so difficult for me to attend almost daily.

So, I am going on a mission. In January I am taking a trip to Santa Maria. It has been close to 5 years since I have been back. I have a few words for little Elizabeth. I will visit the home, church, and schools that I grew up in and I will find a place to bury letters of truth and love for her. I will have coffee with those that I still keep in touch with. I will stay a couple nights at little Elizabeth’s second home. When I leave Santa Maria to head home, I will leave the negative self talk, the feelings of embarrassment, and feelings of anger.

Jesus has been teaching me so much about His love for me. The freedom that comes when I embrace His love. I don’t have to strive for it. It’s there for the taking. I am enough.

I don’t know how many of you are still allowing old voices or maybe past poor choices and/or hurts to have power over you today. It is time to silence the voices. It is time to quit allowing the past define you. God was pursuing you then and He is still pursuing you today. There is freedom in accepting and walking out God’s perfect, healing, and life giving love. It is time to stop making excuses, embrace God’s love for us, and allow it to pour out of us and over those around us that are hurting and desperately searching for that same life giving love.

You are enough. Just as you are.

More on Perspective

Leave a comment

Between washing, drying, folding, and putting away, I have about 9 loads of laundry in those various phases. My sink is full of smelly bottles. My counter is covered in dirty diapers. You can’t see a single table or counter top in my entire house. I’ve pierced the bottom of my foot about 2,436 times with random toys. I have a nebulizer plugged in and ready to go. I have 2 sick 1 year olds that sleep and eat on their own terms. I have a foster daughter who spends 12 hours a week with her birth mom and requires about 48 hours to adjust after each visit. I’ve showered and brushed my teeth once so far this week.

I just laid the babies down and I am hoping that they will be able to get a nap in without their congestion and coughs interrupting them. I obviously have a lot that I can be doing right now. But one amazing lesson that I have been learning this week is that I need to have grace for myself as well as my perspective in place, as usual 🙂

So, right now with the smell of the best Christmas candle ever, I am sitting in the best spot on the couch next to my favorite 5 year old. We are bundled up in soft and warm blankets. I can see the Christmas tree and stockings out of the corner of my eye. I am attempting to blog with pandora on quietly while Dubs is watching a show about letters and numbers. Sporadically he will break out in a laugh and ask me to look up, so I do. I can feel his soft little arm against mine and tears well up in my eyes. I am so rich and blessed.

Let’s reread that first paragraph with a different perspective:

Between washing, drying, folding, and putting away, I HAVE about 9 loads of laundry in those various phases. My SINK is FULL of smelly BOTTLES. My COUNTER is covered in dirty diapers. You can’t see a single table or counter top in my entire HOUSE. I’ve pierced the bottom of MY FOOT about 2,436 times with RANDOM TOYS. I have a NEBULIZER plugged in and ready to go. I have 2 sick 1 YEAR OLDS that sleep and eat on their own terms. I HAVE a foster daughter who spends 12 hours a week with her birth mom and requires about 48 hours to adjust after each visit. I’ve SHOWERED and brushed my TEETH once so far this week.

What I am overwhelmed with is how much I have! Look at the words in bold. My needs are met above and beyond. I have so much more than so many around me. 9 loads of laundry is A LOT of clothes. I have a sink that is full of bottles. Tells me that I have a kitchen with running water and bottles for my babies! I have tables and counter tops and a HOUSE, a house that I love, by the way! Not only am I able to walk and have both my feet, my kids have so many toys that they completely cover the floors of the house. When my kids need help breathing, we have a nebulizer to help them. I have been blessed with 2 – 1 year olds. So many women struggle becoming moms, some of you reading, may be on the lonely and difficult journey of infertility and you would do anything to take care of your sick baby. Molly is still with us. I have the majority of the week with her to help her adjust to the changes. Finally, I have water to shower and I have teeth that need to be brushed. I may lose them at the rate that I am brushing them, but today I have all of them!

I am not sure what your day looks like. I don’t know how many hours of sleep that you got last night. I don’t know if you are sitting in a messy house reading this or a meticulous house reading this. Maybe you are at work reading this, longing to be at home with your family.  I don’t know if you have thousands in your bank account or negative thousands in your bank account. I don’t know if you’re single longing for a relationship or maybe you’re in a relationship longing to be single.

What I do know is that no matter where you are and what you have or don’t have, you have a God who is intimately and passionately in love with you. A God who hears your heart’s cry. A God who sees the tear stains on your pillow and weeps over your broken and overwhelmed heart with you.

God is good and He loves to give good gifts to His kids. So, here is my challenge to you this beautiful Saturday. Take a look at your heart. What is overwhelming it? What is hurting it? What is making it anxious? Make a list. Next to each of those things that comes to mind, write next to it the positive spin. Grasp a perspective shift. Life can always be worse. Life can always be more difficult. We can dwell on the hard or we can shift our perspective and feel a bit lighter and content in exchange.

It is up to us. No one can make the choice but us. Once we make the choice, we will be better friends, spouses, parents, and just overall people. I don’t know about you, but I want to be the best version of myself. Join me!

 

 

Perspective and Gratitude

1 Comment

I am in a season of learning and relearning the power of perspective. Since this coming week is Thanksgiving it seemed appropriate to post about the conversation that is dominating my mind and how gratitude relates to it.

A common theme that keeps running through my mind is the idea of a heavenly perspective.

For example, if I am having a rough day mentally with the idea of losing Molly, our foster daughter, I wrestle through the worst case scenario of her going to her mom and never seeing her again. Then a tender and soft voice reminds me that this world is not my home. Our lives are but a mist, here today and gone tomorrow. (Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.-James 4:14)  I can let the worst case scenario THOUGHT ruin my day, distract me in my marriage and with my kids, and/or worst of all, steal my joy of today OR I can take that thought captive and embrace TODAY and love my family undistracted full of joy and gratitude for the day before me.

Heavenly perspective.

Or I can look at my bank account as I sign into Amazon to do some Christmas shopping and start to feel defeated, stressed, or sad and then perspective chimes in and I’m overwhelmed with gratitude for the incredible people that God has given me in my life to buy gifts for and for the fact that “it’s the thought that counts” 🙂

Heavenly perspective.

Maybe I am just having a tired morning of self -pity because of poopy diapers, 2 walking 1 year olds, and an attention hungry 5 year old when my beautiful little one, Savannah, posts a blog entry that screams a life giving perspective.

“you guys, he has so much more to offer than our world does, and what he has to offer is eternal – it lasts forever. our eternity is at stake.

so let’s give up our rights and let’s step into a life with him that brings joy and freedom.”

Heavenly perspective.

Why would we ever want or need anything more than joy and freedom?? That is where true and intense joy and confidence comes from!

This week as we approach the day of amazing food and time with loved ones to celebrate all that we have to be thankful for, let’s laugh so hard we cry, let’s passionately cheer on each other in life, let’s break out in dance and song, and most of all let’s pause to thank our BIG and AMAZING God for the incredible life He has given us while here on our short earthly journey.

We are not promised tomorrow. Embrace today and all that it has to offer. And just as the song that my 5th grade self sang in chapel went, “This world is not my home, I’m just passing through” let us run with this truth and allow it to explode out of the way we live our lives.

How would we live, act, and speak differently if we truly let the reality of our short lives penetrate our minds and souls? Would we forgive easier? Would we worry and complain less? Would we give of our finances more freely? Would we love more radically? Would we take more risks?

Personally, for starters, I think that I would hug, compliment, and love more recklessly.

What is one thing you can do or say this week that will be rooted out of a heavenly perspective?

Ready…Set…Go!

The Secret Ingredient

2 Comments

Our church has been going through a series out of the book of Philippians. My mentor and I were reflecting on how awesome the messages have been. She told me that she was actually reading through Philippians on her own at home as well. She is pretty darn wise, so I thought I’d copy her and crack it open and read it for myself.

This morning I opened up to chapter 4 and only made it through the first 7 verses. I have been praying daily that I would be sensitive to the spirit’s presence in my life. The last couple of months have been difficult for me and some days I lose the heavenly perspective.

Read with me Philippians 4:4-7: 4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I don’t know how many of you have dealt with or are currently dealing with anxiety, but it is unfortunately something that I have struggled with for the last 7 1/2 years. It can be paralyzing. I find that it gets triggered when I lose all control of a situation. Since I don’t have much control of anything, my breathing exercises have become second nature. Thankfully, I know myself well enough that I can tell when the anxiety is building in me. I know to take a breather, put on some worship music, and call out to Jesus.

I think because this season is difficult, it is fueling my prayers to be sensitive and aware of the spirit’s presence. There is a desperation for my heart and mind to be guarded or else they can completely derail me, allowing anxiety to take over. Making me less present and available for my husband, my kids, and my community. I am not willing to be derailed again, so I am willing to do whatever it takes to guard my heart and mind, keep a heavenly perspective, and be the best possible wife, mom, and friend possible.

So, as I read through those verses they jumped out of the page. I literally turned around to Jason with my eyes bulging out of my head. “Jason!! The secret ingredient!! I found it!!” He humored my dramatic response to hear me out. Such a good man 🙂 “With thanksgiving, present your requests to God, AND the peace of God will guard your hearts and minds.” Wait, what?! Peace comes and anxiety goes with a heart of gratitude?? I immediately started making a list of all of the things I am thankful for that directly related to the areas of my life that have been so difficult for me. Instantaneously, I had a joy overcome my being. I sent out a text to several people telling about them the secret ingredient to peace and challenged each and every one of them to text me 5 things they were thankful for. They all cooperated and as the text messages came in I couldn’t help but smile and soak in God’s presence. The gratitude that they all felt for their individual lives blessed me and brought me peace. Gratitude is contagious.

I have had a great day today. A day full of peace, joy, and complete gratitude because of the way God spoke to my heart and encouraged and inspired me. It is supernatural. None of my circumstances changed, but my heart and mind did.

I want this for you. I want for you to be able to walk through your life, not weary or discouraged, but hopeful and encouraged. If you can take even just 5 minutes right now and jot down 5 things you are thankful for, you will sense the shift in your attitude. So, grab your phone and use your “note” app or grab a pen and paper and do this exercise! I promise, there is power in an attitude of gratitude!

 

Redo

2 Comments

Do you ever feel like you need a redo? May the chance to do a day over? An hour over? Maybe a season redo?

I know that I do. Today as a matter of fact. One of my incredible weaknesses is when I am struggling internally I tend to get diarrhea to the mouth. My filter is out the window and my face has this incredible talent of not being able to hide how I am really feeling. I hope that some day I will learn to not leave the walls of my house when this struggle is taking place. I know about myself that I cannot be fake if I tried. I wear my heart on my sleeve and face. For as long as I can remember “my face says it all”. This is not an awesome problem to have when your husband is the pastor of music and it is a Sunday.

Marty has been in the habit of waking up around 5 every morning. Because he shares a room with Weiland I cannot let him cry it out. Instead I practically sprain my ankle every morning shooting out of bed to get him before he wakes his brother up. We have discussed in a previous blog the dangers of waking up Weiland before he is ready.

This morning was no different. Well, except that it is Sunday and Jason is unavailable to help with the kids because he has to be out the door early for work. This morning, I did not get to Marty in time. I find him and Weiland up and ready to rock n roll. I figure, let’s do this! Maybe I can get us dressed before Molly wakes up so that it is only 3 of us at once instead of 4. So I picked out their clothes, dressed Marty , and then tackled the task of getting myself presentable. Feeling impressed with myself, I even made us eggs. Molly wakes up, I get her dressed and load us in the car. It is 7:30…Church starts at 9:30…Dang it! I have us loaded up, so I head to church anyway.

Dubs, Marty, and I are ready for a nap by the time we get there and services aren’t even starting for close to 2 hours. Let my internal struggle begin. It ALWAYS starts with negative self-talk in my head. I don’t even realize how its affecting me until I hear myself snapping at my tired 5 year old. It is finally time to check them into class and I am so disgruntled that can’t even sit through service so I grab a coffee and sit in the green room.

The band finishes an incredible set with amazing songs and where Jason even shares with the church about the miracle of our sons and the peace we have come to terms with regards our infertility. They come back, and there is a new singer. Jason calls me over to introduce me. In Jason’s introduction he tells me that this singer has a new baby. I respond with, “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry”?!?! What is wrong with me. I wish that I can say that it stopped there. But nope, remember about that whole diarrhea of the mouth sickness that I said that I have?! I go on for probably a solid 10 minutes in a full room about how much becoming parent sucks. I overcompensated. I was tired and grumpy. This poor guy who has no idea who I am was kind enough to laugh at talk about the hard adjustments. The reality is, I did not bring life into that room. I was like a wet blanket.

I am sorry to all of those in the green room this morning. I am sorry for not bringing life into that safe place. I am sorry for not celebrating the new life. I can’t redo this morning but I can apologize and learn to do things differently. Life is short. Thankfully, grace is available.

Because a redo is not usually an option, let’s learn how to show ourselves grace in the midst of our mess ups.

Confession

Leave a comment
10.75 hours….Not the amount of hours that I spent cleaning my house so far this week…. Not the amount of hours I spent in God’s word so far this week….Not the amount of hours I spent with my 3 incredible kids so far this week…
10.75 hours is the amount of time I have spent just so far this week trying to disengage by watching Hulu. That is a part time job, people. The only good part about it is that I have folded laundry right when it was done drying. That is the only good part about it. 
My house is a mess, and I have to be honest with you, my heart isn’t too much cleaner. If I turn off the TV, I am left with my thoughts. The ache in my heart. What I realized this morning is that I have disengaged so much so that my heart is numb to the fact that I am about to say goodbye to my foster daughter. I don’t want to walk through this. So if I can disengage, I won’t have to, right?? 
As I look into her beautiful blue eyes behind her long dark lashes, I ache. She doesn’t have any idea what is about to happen. How her little world is about to be rocked. She is about to leave everyone and everything she’s ever known. I want to protect her, but I can’t. She doesn’t know fear. She doesn’t know heart pain. She doesn’t know hunger. She doesn’t know unfamiliarity. What she does know is a daddy that is obsessed with her. A brother who is there with her all of the time. A big brother who makes her laugh. She knows laughter. She knows comfort. She knows stability. She knows church. 
But this morning, Jesus gently opened my eyes to the fact that I need to walk through this in a healthy way.  So I shut off the TV, I put on my Pandora set list, and I picked up the lap top. And here I am. In a real, raw, and transparent way. I am sad and sick when I think about the next couple of months. I was wondering this morning if I would still hang up her stocking or if it will be too painful– I decided, yes. Of course I will. She has been my daughter from the minute we met her in the NICU over a year ago. Even though she may not live with us any longer, she will always be my daughter. I will always remember her. Pray for her. I will always love her and miss her. 
And then I am reminded. I serve such a BIG God. A loving, caring, comforting, faithful, good, gracious, and merciful God. My God, the ultimate gentleman, who so patiently waits for me to turn down the tv volume so that I can hear His voice, tells me that I am trying to run from something that can’t be run from. He tells me that He loves me. He tells me that He is so proud of me. He tells me that I am not alone. He tells me that He is here, holding me when I need to be held. He is so gentle and kind. 
 
But it’s not just about me. He can be trusted. He is in love with my baby girl. He is in love with my sons. He is in love with my husband. He promises to never leave us. He will never leave ANY of us. 
So, friends, what are you trying to numb? What are you trying to run from? Finances? A failing marriage? A lost job or house? Health diagnosis? An estranged child? Infertility? Loss of a child? 
Can we please walk through whatever we are going through together? It may not be the same ache, but it’s the same God who offers the true healing.  Let’s link arms and process this in a healthy way. Through prayer and worship to the one and true God, who knows us more intimately than any human on the planet. The God who fills the ache better than drugs, alcohol, food, sex, TV, or any person who could ever TEMPORARILY distract us, is in love with us. It is inevitable that pain comes, we GET the choice of what we are going to do with it. How we respond is 100% up to us. 
 
My mom, a super wise woman, didn’t have the easiest upbringing. I’ve met a lot of people with her upbringing that adopted the victim mindset and made poor choices because of the things that happened to them. My mom is the most Godly woman I know, so I asked her, “Mom, how did you turn out so awesome? All odds were against you.” Her response has stuck with me for years, “Elizabeth, 25% is what happens to you, 75% is how you handle it.” 
I leave you with a question: how are you going to respond with your 75%? 

Weiland John

1 Comment
Dear Weiland,

Today you turn 5 years old! I cannot believe it! I am not sure where the time went, but it did and here we are! Five years ago today I did not even know that you existed. Your daddy and I were at a night of worship at church with our small group the night of the 19th. We had just met with, Vivian, our social worker and she had told us that it takes up to a year to get placed with a newborn baby. It wasn’t even on our radar that our first born had entered the world! 


Life was so busy for me and your daddy. We figured if we had a year until we became parents, we had a lot to do! So mommy quit her job and started an organization and also took up being an assistant coach for high school girls volleyball, daddy signed up for his Ironman and committed to being on the search committee to help find Southwest a new pastor. It was a crazy and busy season! 

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was October 25th and I had just gotten home from coaching a volleyball game and I was very grumpy, who knows why..maybe I was hungry 🙂 Your daddy was in an especially happy mood. He was trying to cheer me up with being silly and even offering to take me out on a dinner date! Finally he said, “Would it cheer you up if I told you that Vivian called today?” I can still feel the excitement in my gut that I felt that night as I write this up. I shot up and couldn’t get a word out. I just kept stuttering, “Wait! What? Who? What are you talking about??” He proceeded to tell me, “There is a brand new baby boy that needs a home. He was born a few days ago, so they need to find a permanent placement for him.” My head was swirling, my heart was beating so fast, and I couldn’t stop smiling! 

The next morning we called Vivian to tell her, yes. I couldn’t focus. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe that I was about to pick up my son! Daddy and I went to Toys R Us and bought a carseat, some formula, bottles, and diapers. I remember we were a few minutes early to pick you up so we found a Starbucks. I ordered a Tall, I couldn’t even finish it! You and I both know that I must have been so excited if that was the case, seeing that I polish of a Venti anytime of the day! 

As I saw Anetra (your temporary foster mom) walking up with you, it looked like she was just holding a balled up blanket. The anticipation was killing me! I couldn’t wait to lay my eyes on you! She pulled the blanket back and there you were! My sweet, sweet little 6 lb 11 oz chocolate kiss. It was so surreal. 

A really cool fact that I don’t want you ever to forget is that the night before Anetra dropped you off with us, she brought you to her Bible study and the women prayed over you that you would go to a Christian family. From the beginning, Dubs, God has had His hand on you! He has awesome plans for you, little man! 

We signed the papers, we loaded up, and we were off to introduce you to our massive circle of people who had been praying for you! That night we had so many people come over to meet you and hold you! Your grammie and papa, aunts, uncles, and cousins dropped what they were all doing and drove over an hour to meet you! 

These last 5 years you have brought us so much joy, love, and laughter. Your personality is so big and so full of life! You are the greatest gift! Always remember, little man, that your dad and I will forever be grateful for the opportunity to adopt you. We love being your mom and dad. 

Happy Birthday sweet boy! 

*The beautiful and talented Katie McGihon captured this intimate and special moment as reality hit that Jason and I finally had a baby.

Transition is Coming

1 Comment

It is inevitable. The transition is coming.

Next week Molly begins having overnight visits with her birth mom. The goal is to move her in with her mom permanently the first week of November. It is crazy to me that I just typed that. Our baby girl that we brought home from the hospital a year ago will be moving out in less than a month. 

Here is where it gets good. God has been so present and gracious with us. We have had months to help get us as emotionally, mentally, and physically prepared as possible. I am not naive to think that it isn’t going to hurt to say good bye to her. I am not thinking that it is going to be easy by any means. But God has met me in such a tangible way throughout these last few months that I can’t help but know that He is capable to carry us through. He’s done it before and I know that He will do it again! 

We have a community that has rallied around us. I have 4 amazing chocolate eyes that stare me down daily that serve as a constant reminder of God’s faithfulness. I am enveloped in a supernatural peace that can only be explained by God. The countless prayers on our behalf are being felt in such real ways. 

From the beginning when we first said yes to Molly, God has made it clear that He loves her and that He can be trusted with her.  I don’t know what this looks like, but I don’t have to know. God can be trusted. Time and time again He has brought to my attention Exodus 14:14. “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.” I will continue to pray protection over Molly for the rest of my life. 

Our prayer is to stay in her life as long as her birth mom will allow. So far she has been so gracious to  us. Praying that we can continue to build an awesome relationship with her and invest in not only Molly, but Molly’s mom and 2 of her siblings that she will be moving in with. God is great at multi tasking and I know that He is up to something good.

Stay tuned and we can figure it all out together 🙂